Introducing "Devi": a chapter from the book

In our actual lives, such Devis/women and Devas/men are those that awaken hard-shelled seeds within us, helping us break down the negative aspects of ourselves while embracing the positive.

The title of this chapter is dedicated to a “divine angel,” called Devi, a female angel or Deva, a male angel in Sanskrit. Devi means “goddess,” but it is also the name of the Hindu mother goddess. Devi embodies the concept of womanhood completely, a nurturing force, and a protector of villages (via Smithsonian). Despite her gentle nature, she is fierce. As well as creating universes, she destroys evil aspects of the universe for the greater good and peace of the universe.

My chapter is as follows:  I cut my wrists severely in a moment of despair, feeling woozy after hours, and collapsed on the floor. What a  terrible mistake I had made in the darkest moments of my  thinking and confusion of life’s problems. My memories of how I came to be in an emergency room  after how many hours are fuzzy. My vision was blurry, I could  barely see without myopic spectacles, and I couldn’t see clearly  with my naked eyes. Further to this, I was a total puzzle as to  why I was doing this to myself. I’ve never felt like this since I  was born—depressed, angry, devalued. 

My life hadn’t even been a quarter of a century when I  felt like the worst human to ever exist! I don’t know what  happened to me and I wasn’t listening to myself. I couldn’t help thinking about questions ever since I  opened my eyes, surrounded by tubes placed into my throat  to drain poison I consumed to die along with the deeply  inflicted knife wounds. The question being:


Who am I?

After my two days in the ER, I was moved to another  facility, so I wasn’t quite sure where I would be going. It  became apparent that it was a psychiatric facility that monitored a suicidal patient’s recovery and behavioral health. 

At this psychiatric facility I was tethered to an observation ward I shared with other patients with the same kind of  suicidal trauma. I was in constant pain and tears, incapable  of speaking to anyone for two days. I was under constant scrutiny if I would try to commit suicide again and as I used  the bathroom, I was naked—in fear I might renege on my  promise to abstain from suicide again. I remember my shower  in the bathroom made me feel like a dried seed in my shell.  It reminded me so much of being hard-shelled without any  sense. Whenever I touched a drop of water, I felt motion 

less and lifeless, which is quite unusual for an aquarius-born  human being like me. 

In those two days, I overheard stories from people who I’m  in the same boat with, but their stories were heartbreaking,  from homeless to sexually abused. 

In the midst of this, a divine-looking angel was visible far  away in the room I was in; she had a smile as my mother, Sita,  did. 

An old me would probably have jumped up and greeted her  and told how similar her smile was to my mother’s. However,  I was barely motivated in speaking with anyone around me. 

At the end of the second day, early in the evening, I heard  a voice ask, “Would it bother you if I helped you, Kamala  Kalyani?” The gesture sounded like my mother and maternal  grandmother contacting me from overseas, thousands of miles  away, out of love! 

The enigmatic young woman in front of me held a book  with an orange back cover. Despite my eyes being hazily  swollen from tears, as I read the title, it stated, “The Bhagavad  Gita’’ in English. 

I was stunned seeing that picture as I saw a beautiful  Caucasian woman holding a holy book of the oldest religion  of mankind, Hinduism. I opened my eyes like the stars in the  darkest of nights, shining heavenly powers. I found her inspi 

rational radiance and appearance similar to a Devi, a female  deity found in various comic books where Hindu mythology  is depicted.

The Bhagavad Gita, the main Hindu sacred text, does  not include angels in the same sense that Islam, Judaism, or  Christianity do. In Hinduism, such angelic beings include gods  like Lord Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita’s author. “Devas” and  “Devis” are terms used in reference to male and female deities,  respectively. Human gurus (spiritual teachers who developed  divinity in their core) and ancestors who passed away. You  may have discovered that Vice President Kamala Harris has a  middle name called Devi, which symbolizes her true calling as  the first female Vice President in American history.

There are not many people in the United States who  remember my first and middle names back then. When I  viewed Devi, that young Caucasian female who had been  described as divine, I felt I saw a person of authority with  divine intention. Her so deeply committing her speech to my  name had a purpose. 

Devi took an old note out of her book and read out the  words: 

“I hate you, Kamala Kalyani.” 

I couldn’t stop staring at the note’s four petal, Lotus-like  origami fold, which reminds me of a Kamala. It touched me  deeply and began to awaken my inner core. 

I was holding a book magazine with a cover of mighty  elephants, which are one of my most favorite of nature’s  creations. It was apparent she was very curious about my  connection to elephants. I told her there are several reasons  but also one of the main reasons being it represents the mighty  Lord Ganesha, the obstacle-remover God who is a human with  an elephant’s head we pray to in India. Hence, I am holding  this magazine to my chest and would like to connect better  with the Ganesha to better understand who I am.

We talked for hours, I didn’t even get to ask her name and  she talked for hours about her acquaintance with India, her  friends, and then finally she said, “You know the meaning of  your names right?” I said I would love to hear her perspec 

tive. Devi said that Kalyani is named after the Goddess of  Knowledge who sits on the Lotus, a symbol for the Kamala. I told her my life story from my childhood until my  arrival in the United States. You will find it documented in  the first few chapters. In the end, she said, “Kamala, your  story thus far reminds me of the great Indian prayer, the story  of Gajendra Moksha.” 

“Gajendra Moksha,’’ a prayer addressed by the king  elephant, Gajendra to Lord Vishnu, who is the preserver god  as per Hindu religion. In Hindu mythology, that means he  keeps the universe going strong and saved from destruction.

Gajendra Moksha

Gajendra Moksha

Gajendra Moksha

Gajendra Moksha